Relax release relate: letting go of the pain and baggage of failed relationships

WHEN most of her friends were getting married and starting their families, Vicki, 32, found herself recovering from a painful breakup.

In fact, she recalls sitting in the church pew at one girlfriend's wedding and thinking about her former boyfriend, whom she had met at a party in Brooklyn earlier that year.

Not long after they met, the two became a hot couple, enjoying cozy late-night dinners at the local chicken shack, followed by moonlit walks. When she came home at the end of the day, he would pepper her bath water with rose petals and play Luther Vandross softly in the background.

"He was a romantic Brother with great wit," Vicki recalls. "And he had a body to match."

After six months of nonstop dating, she was smitten. Then, as suddenly at it all started, Vicki began to see troubling signs in the relationship. Mr. Wonderful started to withdraw.

"At first he would call me as many as three times a day while I was at work," says Vicki, an attractive, vivacious woman who works in the media.

Then one day he stopped returning her calls. Frustrated at being unable to reach him, she stopped by his apartment to find him there with another woman. Vicki began grappling with the familiar feelings of disappointment from yet another failed relationship.

"I had begun to miss days at work, and I never had before. I didn't even know what I was going through," she says recalling the myriad of emotions that flooded her, which included anger, regret, resentment, self-doubt and depression.

One of the first steps to recovery from a painful breakup is to take time and just chili out, say therapists who have counseled people recovering from devastating relationship breakups.

"Time as the healer is very important," says Dr. Vera A. Paster, a Manhattan-based marriage counselor and therapist. "During that time you need to do two things. Express all the outrage, disappointment or whatever you are going through. Secondly, spend time taking care of yourself." A day at the spa to help boost those sagging spirits is precisely what Paster recommends. So go ahead and indulge in a sumptuous body wrap, pedicure, or a soothing facial massage. Or try to shut out negative thoughts by soaking in a warm bubble bath while listening to your favorite music.

While you may not want to listen to love songs just yet, don't underestimate the power of music to help soothe the mind and heart. It was certainly the answer for Anthony, 42, a systems administrator who moonlights as a musician on Chicago's music club scene. He wrote songs about his breakup with his girlfriend to combat feelings of failure and depression that he was experiencing. The couple lived together a short time before he realized they just were not compatible. While Anthony says that he tried to end the relationship amicably, things got emotional as his former girlfriend moved out of his home.

"Songwriting helped desensitize the emotional pain that comes with breaking up from a relationship," he says. "It allows you to write those feelings down and express them to the point that writing the lyrics becomes playful instead of painful."

The feedback from listeners about his songwriting was very valuable in his healing process as well. And, Anthony says, he focused on all aspects of that past relationship.

"I wanted to show how good the relationship was at one point," he says. "But the fantasy stage is gone, so now you have to write about the reality of how you fought and made up in a relationship."

Others have found solace in having a strong spiritual base after splitting up with the person they thought was their true love.

"I guess you can say that I prayed a lot and threw myself into my work," recalls Gloria, who works as a corporate administrative assistant in a Chicago suburb. She received emotional support from family members and a co-worker, who checked on her every day at work while she went through her divorce.

But not all people are encouraging and supportive during a breakup, she cautions. She warns that there are some so-called friends who will try to incite feelings of bitterness and hostility in you about your former partner. "Be careful who you talk to. Don't talk to negative people, only positive people," Gloria advises.

Negativity and other issues that stem from our past relationships creep into the makeup of our overall personalities, according to relationship therapists. No matter how difficult a breakup is, it is necessary to free yourself from all negative thoughts, words and feelings associated with your ex. If a person has hurt you, forgive him or her and move on. Also, don't spend endless hours blaming yourself or your ex for what happened or didn't happen.

Many times in relationships there is a communication breakdown, especially if one person (usually it's the woman) is more interested in having a monogamous relationship and the other person is not. Quite often the male desire for love and affection isn't as pressing as a woman's need to have the ideal romance that will bring to life her Cinderella fantasy.