Don't blame mama!

IT'S a hot topic of late, with virtually every sociologist, psychologist and family counselor seeming to have his or her own opinion. At issue: the state of Black America, particularly the perils of the African-American male.

No matter how the conversation begins, or what direction it takes, the discussion almost inevitably turns to the changes in the Black family structure. And increasingly, the question being asked is: Can Black mothers, in 2005, effectively raise their sons to become responsible men?

With 50 percent of all African-American households with children under age 18 headed by Black women, and with a record-high incarceration rate and other social ills among Black males, some say Black mothers have proven to be too soft, too accommodating, too out of touch with issues that affect young men to effectively raise boys to become productive members of society. They say boys generally become men through the daily example set by fathers, or father-figures, in their lives. And that's especially true with Black boys, who have many more societal issues to confront.

What bothers me is not that the topic is being discussed. A respectable debate is always a good thing. What bothers me is that increasingly the work of Black mothers is being questioned.

What those who criticize Black mothers fail to realize is that while a father's role in raising a son is usually more straightforward--take out the trash, cut the grass, play sports, get a job after school, date a nice young lady, get out the house--a mother's role is much more complex. She is the one to fill in the gaps, add humility and humanity to the child-rearing process. By her very nature, a Black mother is more careful about the words she chooses. Like a sculptor, she carefully molds her son, shaping his character, developing his interest, helping him find his place in the world.

A Black mother is central to the family, the one who holds the family together. A Black mother raises her son to think he's handsome, but not too handsome, smart but not a smart-aleck, independent, but not hardheaded, sensitive, but not too soft.

And, for whatever reason, when a father is not around, it is the mother who takes on both roles. Sometimes she does her best, and still things don't work out as she had planned. But that shouldn't open her up to criticism.

Of course, no one is proud of the statistic that single mothers raise half of all Black children. And I'm sure that single Black mothers would be the first to say that a father, or father-figure, is vitally important to the healthy growth of a son. But when you really think about it, no mother, especially no Black mother, really lives for herself. She lives for kids, her family. It's an unselfishness that knows no bounds, and should never be questioned. Black mothers teach things that money can't buy, and statistics can't measure. And when things don't turn out like she envisioned they would, you can be almost assured that it wasn't from lack of effort, or lack of a strong guiding force.

So to the Ph.D.'s and the like, go ahead and blame whomever or whatever you want for problems in the Black community. A good place to start would be the deadbeat dads, the dilapidated schools, the pervasive X-rated music, dangerous peer pressure and the general lack of constructive activities for adolescents.

But whatever you do, don't start blaming mama. If you do--I don't care how many degrees you have--with this Brother, you're treading on dangerous ground.

COPYRIGHT 2005 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2005 Gale Group