Forgiving your family: "let's forgive, love and respect each other. Family is all that we have."

I was born and raised in a family of 12 children (8 girls and 4 boys) where everything in the house was shared. There weren't too many things I could really call my own. As a young girl, I learned what it meant to be offended and get over it quickly.

My dad worked a union job at Great Lakes Steel in the Detroit area. At Christmas, each of us received a present that was a medium-size box, and every box had the same things in it--three pairs of one-size-fits-all underwear, one small box of hard candy, and a baby doll. I'm not sure that my brothers got anything different in their medium-size boxes. So you see, trying to call something your own when your siblings had exactly the same things was just impossible.

My precious mother, who recently passed away, taught us through our humble beginnings that it was more important to love and respect each other than to have a lot of material possessions. We got in more trouble when we said and did things to hurt each other's feelings than if we had plucked the eyes out of one of those Union Hall dolls.

I am so grateful that even today my 10 living sisters and brothers still love and respect each other more than the material things we have. I just cannot imagine life without talking to my siblings regularly, regardless of what has gone wrong between us. I know that when sisters, brothers, mothers and fathers harbor bad feelings about each other and don't come together to reconcile, rectify and forgive--that causes unnecessary stress that can bring on sickness that can lead to death. It's just not worth it.

After a concert, I was approached by a young woman who mentioned that her sister had just died of breast cancer. I immediately began to console her, but she abruptly stopped me and said, "Oh, I don't need you to do that!"

I was a little taken aback, so I asked what she meant. She told me that she hated that sister as well as her other sisters and brothers, and that she did not go to the funeral. She told me that when her mother died, her family had a huge argument over their mom's dishes, clothing, jewelry, food, everything--to the point of fistfights. She also mentioned that there were no bad feelings between the siblings before their mother passed away. They were all there together when she died. I asked her, "What on earth could someone have or not have that would generate such division and hatred to come between siblings?"

I could not believe what I was hearing and began to tell her stories of how my family copes with disagreements. I also told her how, when my mother died, we handled her belongings. The lady broke down and sobbed as I asked her to be the one to reunite her family and try to make it right. She was not willing at first, but she soon relented and said she would give it a try. Recently she contacted me and got two of her siblings on the phone. They were so happy and all talking at once and thanking me for sharing my family's stories, which they say led to them reuniting. All the siblings had not agreed to be cooperative and reunite, but the three who were talking to each other again felt that the rest of the family eventually would be back together.

When your mother dies, you kinda feel like you don't have to answer to anyone, you don't have to take no mess from nobody anymore, in addition to the overwhelming grief that you already feel. It gets rough through life's situations, but we need to forgive, and I mean truly forgive each other to the point of forgetting and moving on without ever mentioning that situation again. I am a witness; it can be done.

This holiday season, reach out to your disgruntled family member and ask for forgiveness, regardless of the situation. Yes, you should be the bigger one--even if you feel it was not your fault.

Let's be thankful for each other and love and respect each other. We're all getting older and life is too short. Besides, nobody will stick with you and love you like your family. Let's forgive, love and respect each other. Family is all that we have.

Vickie Winans is a gospel recording artist whose new CD, Happy Holidays from Vickie Winans, is released on her Destiny Joy Records label. She lives in Bloomfield Hills, Mich.

COPYRIGHT 2007 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning