'I can, but you can't': Don Imus made the fatal mistake that many do: when you aren't a part of a certain group, you can get in trouble for saying the wrong thing

"Work it, b****!"

Had those three words been uttered by a man on cable TV, there is a good bet that protest groups would be up in arms, calling on him to apologize for calling women out of their name.

But this wasn't a morning show being led by a 66-year-old White man with a racist and sexist past. It was a young Black woman talking to a group of other women on VH1's Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School, starring Mo'Nique.

Let's stop acting like we don't know the deal. A woman can get away with that comment without rebuke. A man? Don't even think about it unless you want to be seriously checked (or worse, fired).

That was the hard lesson former radio show host Don Imus was taught. When you're not a part of a certain group, there are just some things you don't have license to say.

It's not a Black thing, a White thing, a woman thing, a man thing, or even an American thing. It's called life.

"Business is relationship-based. Relationships are relationship-based. They are not transactional," says Dr. Carl Bell, CEO of the Chicago-based Community Mental Health Council and professor of psychiatry, University of Illinois School of Public Health. "And the thing for males, especially those with entitlement dysfunction, is they don't have respect. They don't have a good sense of boundaries."

They don't. I know when some words are okay and not okay. It's contextual. And to misconstrue it and the context is playing with fire.

"You've got to be a member before you start taking privileges of members. And that's the problem. Plus, words can be disrespectful, depending on their meaning and who is using them and the context."

In the case of Imus, Bell says simply, "You're talking about just bad judgment."

Imus tried to fire back at his critics by suggesting that rappers use such language and it's accepted, and it's a double standard to suggest that his using it is wrong.

Poor Don, you still don't get it. There are many of us who find it offensive, but what is accepted within a peer group is not always fine with another.

Women can say certain words to women. Gays can say particular words to gays. Blacks can say some choice words to one another. In fact, individuals who are friends of different ethnic groups may deem it just fine to use racial slurs among themselves--if they all agree to it--but if an Asian is speaking to someone Black who isn't a part of their concentric circle, then he might have some trouble on his hands. And vice versa.

But it goes deeper than that. As a member a fraternity, I can joke around and cap on a fellow fraternity brother. But if a member of another fraternity steps into the fray, all joking gets tossed aside. He's not a member and doesn't have the privilege of making such comments.

This also plays out on the big screen. How many military movies have you seen when a member of the Army insults someone in the Navy, Air Force or Marines, and a fight breaks out? A high school basketball point guard can ride his fellow teammates for their play, but when a guy on the other team spits a few negative words, call a timeout because it's about to get physical.

"There are different rules of behavior for different groups. What's appropriate changes by the setting. That is often lost," says author Cora Daniels, whose anger at the use of "ghetto" in the mainstream, especially by people like Martha Stewart and Paris Hilton, led her to write Ghettonation: A Journey into the Land of Bling and Home of the Shameless.

She says where Imus erred was in not realizing the setting he was in, and by his "trying to use bad behavior for bad behavior."

"That's the problem with our language now. When people are being very critical of young people's use or misuse, generally it's because I think people are worried that we don't know how to switch between content anymore. That becomes a problem," according to Daniels.

"When you stand on the corner with your boys [and say certain things], that isn't appropriate in all settings. You use it differently on the corner than what you say to your mom and on your job."

Daniels says the desire is to always be respectful--even in private--but she concedes what people say behind closed doors should differ from what is said publicly.

Journalist Jabari Asim refuses to accept the rationale offered by some that it's fine for Blacks to use the N-word among themselves but not for others to do so. He personally prefers that it is never used.

Yet Asim says individual groups must choose some level of consensus to allow others to use the words with impunity.

"With queer, some homosexuals say it's OK and some say it's not. That's between homosexuals," says Asim, a reporter for the Washington Post. "They can determine that. It's not for me to say it, so I'm not offending any of them ... the rules are different from that group and outsiders."

Even comedian Paul Mooney, who is known for his no-holds-barred use of the N-word (before the Michael Richards debacle), Whites, racism, and other subjects in his stand-up routine, admits that "there is a code" in comedy that some Can't cross.