What to do when the in-laws don't like you: 6 tips to help you all get along

Your wedding day is one day you will never forget. Whether you jumped into matrimonial bliss at your home church with all the elaborate tapestries of a Hollywood wedding, took a trip down to city hall in your blue jeans and T-shirt, or eloped to Las Vegas, one thing is certain--once you said "I do," you were automatically blessed with another set of parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. And while you take the time to get to know your spouse, you may find that some of your in-laws aren't as welcoming of you to the family. If you find that's the case and you think it is impossible for everyone to get along, here are some tips to get you and your new family members on a smoother foundation.

Try to identify the problem.

Relationship experts suggest that you try to identify why the in-law(s) might have a problem with you. "Maybe they saw some behavior or treatment on your part that they don't approve of so they don't like you. Or maybe you weren't too friendly during the courtship, so they don't like you," says Audrey B. Chapman, relationship therapist and author of Getting Good Loving: Seven Ways to Find Love and Make It Last. "Usually people don't just not like you for no reason; there's usually a reason because it takes a lot of energy to not like somebody."

Try talking with the problem in-law.

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. After you have identified the problem, or at least made an attempt to identify the problem, experts suggest you talk things out with the in-laws(s). "Ask them if there are any issues that seem to be negatively influencing the relationship and how you both can get on the road to address and eliminate those problems," says Jeffrey Gardere, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Love Prescription: Ending the War Between Black Men and Women. "Let them know that you care about your relationship with them for the sake of your spouse and because you also want to have a genuine relationship with them."

After you have talked things out you may find that it was all just a big misunderstanding. "Once you talk with each other, you discover that all those [negative] thoughts were wrong," says Chapman.

Talk with your spouse.

No one knows your in-laws better than your spouse. You may find out that the way you are being treated is the way your in-law treats everyone. "They [your spouse] might say to you, 'That's just how my father is,' and so then you start to understand that it's not just you, it's just where this person is," says Chapman. "If I have a cold and distant personality, I'm not going to be friendly to anybody. So I'm not deliberately choosing you over anybody else; I'm probably not friendly with most people and you have to realize that," adds Chapman.

Limit time with the in-laws.

If things just seem unbearable with your in-laws, relationship experts suggest you limit the amount of time you spend with them. "Try not to put yourself in long-term, close situations with them because it makes it harder," says Chapman.

Practice the art of tolerance.

Sometimes the reasons behind why your in-laws may not like you are beyond your control and can be extremely complicated. Sometimes, no matter what you do, you are just not liked by your in-law(s). "They [your in-laws] may not think you are good enough for their son or daughter, or you may have stepped into the middle of long-term family pathology and don't have enough knowledge about the culture to avoid issues," says Dr. Gardere. While an in-law may not think that you are the perfect choice, obviously your spouse thought you were the right choice so both parties "should practice the art of tolerance, patience and understanding," suggests Chapman.

Don't take it personally.

Experts say you shouldn't let your feelings be hurt to easily when it comes to dealing with in-laws. "You shouldn't take everything personally. Everything that goes on between you and another person is not necessarily about you, it is frequently about the other person," says Chapman. "Don't claim what doesn't belong to you."

--Monica Jones

COPYRIGHT 2007 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning