Getting your groove back! A single parent's guide to dating

VERY parent needs and deserves some "me time," but when it comes to socializing on a Saturday night, some single parents find themselves at home watching Elmo DVDs with their children.

There are ways to change that scenario, and perhaps this weekend you can trade the little red monster for some red stilettos.

Lucia Goode, a 36-year-old single parent and mother of 3-year-old Phoenix, says that she is ready to date, but she has turned down invitations to go out. "I'm ready to get my sexy back," says the Brooklyn-based mother who is associate director for Sony/BMG music company and is also pursuing an MBA. "But I also take my job of being a morn seriously."

As many morns and dads find themselves suddenly single again, they are faced with the dilemma of what to do about their social life, particularly if they are the custodal parent. However, dating in the millennium has afforded single parents some different options, includ ing speed-dating, online matches and singles soirees.

Not all singles are hitting the party scene searching for a partner. That is the case of Eric Childress, 34, who is raising his four daughters-Erica, 16, Ebony, 13, and twins Shantay and La Shantay, both 12, by himself." My girls are demanding of my time/' says Childress, who owns two hair salons, including Rehab Salon in Hollywood. "It's a little hard to date. The kids have track practice, dance recitals and science projects.

I'm just not a regular on the dating scene." One common problem among Black singles, according to Sabrina Lamb of FlirtingTime.com, is not enough socializing. The chief flirting officer at the company headquartered in New York began the organization in 2002, and she boasts 5,000 members nationwide. FlirtingTime.com also facilitates workshops and forums to clear up the misconceptions that exist among Black men and women. And she teaches them to flirt.

With the demands of career and parenthood, it is difficult for most single parents to date, but some have come up with creative ways of getting their dating groove back. "I network date," says Mel Hopkins, a Chicago-based communications strategist and author who is the mother of three girls, Jade, 22, and 15-year-old twins, Chelsea and Cheyenne. "I call it the "adventures of dating and business networking.' I approach everybody as a business opportunity. Sometimes it turns into a nice date or just a friend. I've tried online dating, but it feels like I'm shopping at Sears."

John Merriweather, 45, is the custodial parent of his 17-year-old son Jaquann. He has heard about different ways to meet new people, such as speed-dating, a social event de signed to introduce 20 or more men and women during short rotation cycles. However, Merriweather prefers getting dates the old-fashioned way. "I've never tried any of those speed-dates," he says. "They tend to be a bit too contrived. I prefer to meet people through friends and organizations."

Experts agree that it is healthy for single parents to date when they are ready emotionally. However, there are some rules that apply. "Every person who a single parent dates is not worthy of meeting his or her child," says George E. Smith, Ph.D., a licensed mental health professional in Chicago and author of The Do's & Don'ts of Parenting. "Only if a person shows longevity and potential should they be introduced to the child."

"It is healthy for children to see their parents date," says Charlotte Scott-Day, licensed marriage and family therapist, with offices in Los Angeles and Sacramento, Calif. "We can be a model for them, especially AfricanAmerican children. We can show what a healthy relationship looks like and how they can be expected to be treated and how to interact with the opposite sex."

Responsible dating continues to be the goal of parents like Goode, Merriweather and Hopkins. Dating is a delicate balancing act, but with careful planning and responsiblechoices it is possible to have a healthy social life while being an effective caregiver to your child.

DATING TIPS FOR SINGLE PARENTS

1. Start speaking to five members of the opposite sex each day.

2. Don't go out with your girlfriends and stick with them all evening.

3. When you go out to a party, don't expect to meet your next significant other immediately.

4. Don't allow your children to feel that your single parent-status is a burden.

5. Make a friend first. Love may follow the friendship.

COPYRIGHT 2007 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning