The ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Q About a year ago I met a guy who was a couple of years younger than I, so I was a little reluctant about our being in a relationship. But that didn't stop me from sleeping with him within a week of meeting. He told me in the beginning he didn't want a relationship and that he's too young to settle down. I found myself falling for him, and then he left me without any warning or any answers. He just left. I hated him for it and was enraged with anger. Somehow I got over it. After five to six months without a word from him, he called and said how sorry he was and that he wanted us to be friends. I agreed because I really wanted him in my life. Then he dropped out of my life again. I can't get him off my mind. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and if he called me again and said he wants us to be together, I would fall right back into it. I know in the long run it wouldn't be good for me, but why do I have this need and want him? rye talked to other guys, but they aren't him. How do I let him go? He obviously has let me go.

Hurting in Chicago

A Not only did you display a sense of desperation to this man, but you also placed yourself in a very vulnerable position and at high risk for contacting sexually transmitted diseases. This young man told you in the beginning that he did not want to have a serious relationship. Clinical psychologist Victoria Mayberry says your instinctive, subconscious feelings signaled to you that this encounter was not sincere. Your feelings of emotional abandonment signaled that you should have discontinued the pursuit of this affair, as it would only continue to evoke unnecessary additional emotional pain. Dr. Mayberry says we all must utilize negative encounters to redirect our paths into positive experiences. "This will occur if you learn to develop emotional intimacy within yourself," she says. "This process begins with you learning to focus on improving your own feelings of self-worth from within. Becoming comfortable with yourself will create a sense of confidence that will be reflected in your being as you work on improving yourself." Dr. Mayberry says you will then begin to attract men who will desire to be in your presence and honor you as a result of what and who you are as a person and the high standards that you have established for yourself.

Q The woman I love and have been living with for five years has suddenly taken on what I consider strange behavior. She constantly complains that people on her job are out to get her. She can be happy one day, and the next day she is depressed and crying, or screaming and yelling at me. And I've picked up signs that she's probably seeing someone else. For example, she stays out late at night, and she used to seldom go out without me. She says she is out with her girlfriends, but on several occasions her best friend has called looking for her while she's out. I love this woman and thought we would get married. I think she loves me, but her change in behavior has me worried. Am I being played, or does she need to see a doctor or counselor?

Worried in Nashville

A You have cause to be concerned. The changes in your lady's behavior may be signs of alcohol or drug abuse, says Helen Davis Gardner, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist in the Chicago area who specializes in women's issues. Dr. Gardner says if there is no basis for substance abuse, your lady may need medical or psychological help. "She may be critically depressed or have bipolar disorder," says Dr. Gardner, who adds that a thyroid malfunction or severe stress also may lead to such behavior. "The symptoms you describe could also indicate a brain tumor. She should seek help from a medical professional. It could be stress on the job, a hormonal imbalance or a sign of severe depression." In a calm, caring manner, discuss your concerns with your lady, and encourage her to seek help. If she refuses to see a doctor, seek help and advice from her close family members.

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