Face-to-face with sibling rivalry: there is hope for getting your children to get along

WHEN the Hinton sisters dominate their middle-school basketball games, their father is usually courtside cheering for his identical twin daughters, Danette and Denise. At 5-foot-9, the ninth-graders love to compete, especially against each other, according to their parents.

D. Dennis Hinton, executive vice president of his own investment banking firm in Atlanta, and his ex-wife, Dr. Verna Thornton, decided to channel their daughters" natural abilities and thirst for competition into positive outlets, such as sports and academics. Hinton admits that although the girls are twins, each has her own distinct personality, which began to emerge early. "Once they reached the age of 8, they stopped wanting to dress alike," he recalls of the twins, who both attend the same private school in Peachtree City, Ga. "They wanted to excel in different sports and became very, very competitive when it came to academics ... Both wanted to play basketball, although they wanted to play different positions and wanted to focus on different areas."

In addition, they are A-students, listed in Who's Who Among Outstanding Middle School Students, and have been accepted in the Duke University Talent Identification Program. Like many siblings, they spar over clothing, movies and restaurant selections. (One twin loves sushi, while the other prefers hamburgers and fries).

For hundreds of years, siblings have had issues with one another, requiring parents to play referee while trying to remain impartial. Experts have varying opinions on what causes conflict between siblings. However, they do agree that both parents need to be on the same page as to how they decide to deal with the conflicts, even if the parents are divorced or living in different households.

The girls' mother, Dr. Thornton, is a physician in Atlanta who helps her daughters with their homework, while her ex-husband coaches them in sports and attends many of their games due to his more flexible schedule.

Dr. Thornton recalls when the girls were infants, the two showed early signs of intelligence and competitiveness. Such was the case on the day that she couldn't find the two when they were toddlers after they figured out how to unlatch the front door: One twin had climbed onto the back of her sister in order to lift the latch and open the door so that they could both gain access to the front porch of their home. "They don't like to be second. They were always competitive," she recalls. "We went to Jamaica when they were 5. They had a little kiddie beauty pageant. One won 'Miss Jamaica' and the other one won first runner-up, and she was livid."

Quite often siblings will compete; however, it's not always through sports and academics. Pamela Washington, a human resource specialist in Chicago, who has two sons, Sam, 6, and Aaron, 7, says that her boys often compete with each other, and it's usually for the attention of their mother, who works full-time and is a single room. "I make sure that I do everything equally," says Washington. "They don't want one to outdo the other in regard to me. It's difficult because Sam is more independent, and Aaron is more affectionate and always wants more hugs from me. But they both want equal attention from me."

Even siblings who are born years apart often feel the need to compete for the approval of their parents. It may appear to a child who has a much younger brother or sister that mom and dad love the baby of the family more than they love him or her. On the other hand, a female sibling may feel that her brother is being treated better than she is because he is a male and has less housework duties assigned to him.

Experts say other factors that contribute to sibling rivalry include one or both parents having an obvious favorite, or making comparisons about a child. For example, if a parent says to a child, "When your brother was your age, he could spell his name," that could cause resentment between the two siblings.

"That's a big no-no," according to Dr. William B. Woodson, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in Manhattan. "Parents really need to see the particular qualities of each of their children and not make individual comparisons. The major thing is to not really promote comparison, but to focus on the overall development and evolution of each child."

When there are cases of sibling rivalry, experts say parents have to be an active part of the solution. Parents who choose to ignore the anger or hostility that one child has for his or her brother or sister are making a mistake--especially when violence and verbal abuse enter into the situation. Parents must intervene as soon as this type of behavior becomes evident. There will be times when it is necessary to allow your children to settle their own differences, but experts say you should use your judgment regarding when to mediate a dispute between siblings. "Just allow them to express their interests," says Hinton. "Try not to harness their interests. Ultimately, the benefits will outweigh the negative. [Denise and Danette] are both better students as a consequence of competing. They are both better academically as a consequence of competing. They are both overall better people. The rivalry and the competition have certainly been a positive, significantly outweighing the liability."