Get over it and get on with your life

YOUR sweetheart of two years calls and asks that you meet him for dinner after work. You arrive at your favorite restaurant prepared for a romantic evening. He looks nervous. Maybe he's going to pop the question. But you're barely seated when he blurts out: "It's not working!"

He's not the best communicator, you figure. So you sit there for two hours trying to work it out. You suggest going to his place for more privacy, but he doesn't think that's a good idea. He obviously has made up his mind. When you leave the restaurant, your heart sinks, again, because his body language tells you that it is truly over. But the biggest clue should have been when he told you that he met somebody else.

How do you begin to pick up the pieces after such an emotional blow? The fact is, the act of breaking up is a process that's as old as time. But each time a person goes through a breakup, whether it's with a spouse or a girlfriend or boyfriend, it still feels like the first time, and people think they are never going to get over it.

The good news is that you have healed from past hurts, and you will heal from this one. The human spirit is abundantly resilient. The key is to take time out for yourself to recover. Sisters, resist the urge to spend hours lying on the couch cuddled up with a gallon of ice cream while watching the cable channel that is dedicated to stories of scorned women who exact revenge on cheating ex-lovers. You don't want to get any ideas.

Instead, go to a day spa (if funds are low, your bathroom can work just as well!), try yoga or kickboxing, or take a long fitness walk or run, all of which are great ways to combat stress and depression. How did you spend your time before the relationship? Reconnect with friends and family by going out to dinner or to the movies. Join a club or take a class.

Brothers, don't move on so quickly to the next girlfriend. You are not emotionally ready to jump into a new relationship, even though you think you are, says William Fredrick Cooper, author of Six Days in January, a novel that explores the heart of an African-American man damaged by love.

"Instead of taking time to be alone, many of us move into the next relationship without a hiatus, further adding to the dysfunction," Cooper says. "The joy is fleeting because the newness wears off and the mistakes from the past are often repeated. When you don't learn the lesson, the repercussions are more painful with each experience."

In the end, the transitional woman winds up hurt and confused because her new man is emotionally unavailable. The man wonders why he continues to encounter the same kind of women and problems.

The best way to avoid such patterns is to grieve the loss of a relationship in the same way you would mourn the death of a loved one, says Audrey B. Chapman, a therapist in private practice in Washington, D.C., who has written several best-selling relationship books, including Getting Good Loving: Seven Ways to Find Love and Make It Last. She says there are stages of loss that many people do not realize they must experience in order to move on.

The stages, according to Chapman, are denial (You don't believe it's over. You wait for the phone to ring); anger or depression ("It's usually one or the other," Chapman says. "You want to work on the anger because it releases depression."); pain ("Once you start releasing the depression, you will feel pain and sadness," Chapman says. "This is all normal."); guilt and shame (Don't kick yourself because you missed red flags going into the relationship. Everyone makes mistakes.); bargain (This is when people try to get back together with the person and patch things up.); and acceptance (When you accept that it's over, you are ready to move on.).

The phases can be thrown off course if you return to your ex in any fashion, whether it is talking to him or her on the telephone or hanging out with them with a group of friends. "You are not going to move through these phases very well at all if you continue to see or encounter the person," Chapman says. "That's why a lot of people don't get through a breakup or a loss, because they continue to be in touch with that individual. In order to get through it and get to the other side, you must grieve. You can't hold on to the person and grieve."

If children are involved, you must be cordial to your ex for the sake of the children, but do not feel obligated to do "the family thing," such as having dinner or attending baseball games as a couple. It sends the wrong message to the child, who becomes hopeful that "mommy and daddy are getting back together." And it does not help you to move forward.

To move forward, Cooper suggests what he calls "The Five R's"--relax, recover, reflect, resolve and resume.

"Relax," Cooper says. "Put that telephone down. Don't call the next woman for companionship because your heart is broken. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a man do this, I'd be a millionaire. What are you afraid of? Give yourself some time to think breathe and recharge your emotional batteries. Take that necessary timeout to be by yourself so that you can recover."