Ask Dr. Ashby: it's all about sex! Sex specialist answers questions about sex and relationships

Q. MY HUSBAND BORES ME SEXUALLY. HE'S PRETTY BAD IN BED. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

A. Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Have you tried talking to him about your sex life? What exactly makes him "bad" in bed? Did you ever think that maybe he might be bored as well?! Or that he does not know how to satisfy you? What makes your sex life "boring"? Are you having sex the same night and time every week? Are you having sex in the missionary position (man on top) every time? When you say he bores you, are you really saying that you are not sexually attracted to him anymore? It is also important to think about what you are bringing to the table in your relationship--and to your sex life. It might be a good idea to show him what you like: role play one of your fantasies, or maybe have a nice bubble bath for two waiting for him. Do not choose to talk to your husband about this issue when you are in bed about to have sex; this issue deserves the time and space where there is no pressure to perform.

Q. MY HUSBAND WAS IN GREAT SHAPE WHEN WE GOT MARRIED, BUT NOW HE'S GOTTEN SO FAT THAT I FIND HIM SEXUALLY UNATTRACTIVE. SHOULD I TELL HIM HOW I FEEL OR JUST CONTINUE TO FAKE IT?

A. Faking during sex is never a good thing to do. Not only are your needs not met, but in the long run you will become resentful. Sitting down and talking with your husband is always the best solution. You might find that he's not happy with his weight gain and just doesn't know what to do about it. Of course, in having this conversation with him, it is essential that you are gentle and considerate in expressing your feelings about how his weight is impacting the relationship. How would you want someone to talk to you about your weight if the roles were reversed? Offering to help him and taking a "team" approach may be helpful. Loving and supporting him through this will be a wonderful gift to him and to your relationship.

Q. I'M A MARRIED WOMAN ON BIRTH CONTROL, BUT I STILL MAKE MY HUSBAND WEAR A CONDOM. HE HATES IT AND ACCUSES ME OF BEING TOO CAUTIOUS. WHAT CAN I DO?

A. Why do you want your husband to wear a condom? Is there fear of him cheating on you and giving you a sexually transmitted disease, or are you that afraid of becoming pregnant? Examining your anxiety is the first place to start. Are these fears irrational, or are they based in some grain of truth or some past experience that you have not resolved and are carrying over into this relationship? It would be good for you to seek counseling to explore these issues and hopefully help resolve the underlying fears.

Q. I'M YOUNG BUT I HAVE A LOW SEX DRIVE. IS THERE A SPECIAL DIET, VITAMIN SUPPLEMENT OR NATURAL HERB THAT I CAN TAKE TO HELP INCREASE MY LIBIDO?

A. Go to your gynecologist and get a thorough medical assessment. Ask that a hormonal profile be done so that you and your doctor can determine if your hormone levels are within normal limits. In addition, birth control pills sometimes can lower hormone levels and thus contribute to a low sex drive. It is always important for you to eat healthy (lots of vegetables, fruits, whole grains), limit sugar, exercise and drink lots of water. Of course, alcohol, smoking and other substances are not good for the body. Women should always take a good multivitamin to supplement their diets.

Q. MY SPOUSE AND I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ADVENTUROUS, LIKE HAVING SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE. IS THERE A SAFE PLACE WHERE WE CAN DO THIS WITHOUT GOING TO JAIL?

A. Any location outside your house is a public place. Keep in mind that if you decide to have sex in a public place, you would be violating the law and run the risk of being caught and possibly being arrested and jailed. Having sex at parks and beaches, or in restaurant bathrooms, vehicles, clubs (particularly sex clubs where you are having sex out in the open with or without people watching) could lead to your arrest. Couples should remember that they risk getting caught in public, but that is what heightens the sexual encounter--the danger! The creativity in thinking about the possible encounter is half the fun.

Q. I SUFFERED A NASTY DIVORCE AND MY BEST FRIEND WAS ALWAYS AT MY SIDE. NOW I FEEL THAT I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER. I EVEN DREAM OF US MAKING OUT. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS BEHIND MY LESBIAN CURIOSITY? SHOULD MY FANTASY BE FULFILLED?

A. Maybe you are a lesbian in disguise. Maybe not. It seems that you shared an emotionally painful experience with someone who cared about you and supported you through it. This can build intimacy between people but does not mean that they are actually sexually attracted to each other. Women tend to build more intimately close relationships with other women that are not sexually based. Men on the other hand tend to not connect with and build relationships with other men the same way. It is important to explore your feelings and ponder if you are at all attracted to other women and find your self curious as to what it would be like to be sexual with them. Or do you find yourself more often thinking about men in this way? Hey, maybe you think about both genders equally the same. Do you feel that you are getting the same vibe from your friend? If yes, it might be important to talk about this issue with her as it will have some longstanding consequences on your relationship. Prior to having your conversation with her, I would suggest that you go talk to a professional to really sort out your feelings and be clear as to what you feel and want. You've already been through a terrible time; you don't want to go through another.