The Ebony Advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Q Am I a sex addict? I just can't seem to get enough. I had a wonderful wife and lost her due to my infidelity. I've dated and slept with a number of women and have met another wonderful woman. However, I just can't seem to be faithful. Am I an addict? Please help.

Far from Satisfied in New York City

A If you are having many partners and are not feeling fulfilled or connected to those with whom you are intimate, you may have an addiction, says Hope Ashby, Ph.D., a sex therapist based in New York. (There also are other criteria that can classify you as a sex addict, Dr. Ashby points out.) However, one crucial question she says you must answer is: Are you using sex to defend against some negative emotion such as sadness, depression or guilt? Sometimes we will use other things or substances to "medicate" ourselves so as not to feel distress or other emotions, and sometimes sex is that weapon used to combat these feelings. Sex is a way to connect physically and emotionally to another human being in a most vulnerable and revealing way. When you are having sex with someone you have feelings for, this will tend to enhance the sexual experience. The question is what do you want--an enhanced physical and emotional connection or an experience that leaves you feeling empty. Seek out a therapist who can help you sort out what you really want.

Q I met a man online three years ago and now we have a child together. I need to know whether or not I should continue to see this man, especially since we are not married and we rarely see or hear from each other. He tells me he is not seeing anyone else. However, he refuses to marry me or even commit to a relationship. Our sex life is non-existent; we only have sex when he is in the mood. He does take care of his daughter's needs. Am I wasting my time and energy on him?

Left Out in Chicago

A You better believe you are wasting your time. If a real relationship (and not just occasional sex) is what you truly desire, then you owe it to yourself to move on. Explain that to him. Let him know that the two of you have a child together but that does not entitle him to come in and out of your life when it's convenient for him. Also, make sure that your daughter has the love and financial support that she needs from both of you. Encourage him to continue to be in your daughter's life. That may mean that you will have to take your daughter to his place when he chooses to see her. Be prepared to possibly legalize your child support arrangement with him. When you are ready, start to date other people. If you don't, those feelings that you have of being taken for granted will worsen over time.

Q I am a successful Black woman who is also a single mother. I would like to date and eventually get married. The problem is, I don't know how. How does a single mother get back in the dating game? I don't do bars and clubs--so let's not go there.

Need to Get Back in the Mix in Memphis

A The dating rules haven't changed that much over the years. You may have, however, because your standards may be higher. The best advice is to go to where the single men are. Go to art galleries, literary events and sports activities. You may want to date someone with the same interests as yourself. If you like to work out, join a running club. If you enjoy traveling, gardening or architecture, join a group where you can meet other like-minded folk. Get involved with a church that has a ministry for single parents. Or start one at your church. Let friends and family members know that you want to date. Be open to an invitation for coffee, lunch or dinner with someone new, even if he is of another race or culture. Just be yourself and have fun. Before long, you'll be back in the swim.

COPYRIGHT 2006 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning