How to prepare your children for divorce: the right steps can make the transition much smoother

MARCUS THOMAS, a 21-year-old theater student, clearly remembers the breakup of his mother and stepfather. A fall bite was in the air, he says, on the day that he and his mother packed their suitcases and left the family's comfortable suburban home to drive to his aunt's house in Chicago.

He was 14.

"In the car, I kept asking my mother if it was my fault that she was leaving my stepfather," he recalls years later. The move turned out to be permanent, and his parents divorced. Marcus says that he had no preparation for his parents' split. Later, his mother and his aunt noticed changes in his behavior, especially regarding school. His grades dropped and he became reclusive. "My aunt saw that I wasn't dealing with things and suggested to my mom that I get some counseling," he says. "She saw me withdraw and how angry I was most of the time ... My mom went with me [to counseling]. We were able to work through the depression and anger."

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reports there are more than a million divorces each year. African-Americans are more likely to be separated, widowed or divorced, according to the U.S. Census Bureau 2000 report, which showed 11.2 percent of Blacks are divorced, compared with 9.7 percent of the total population.

Most couples find themselves unprepared for the difficult, expensive process of ending a marriage. When the marriage includes children, the divorce becomes even more complicated, and mistakes are often made.

Kenneth A. Dodge, Ph.D., co-author of the book, African-American Family Life: Ecological and Cultural Diversity, is the director of the Center for Child and Family Policy Center at Duke University in North Carolina. He says one repeated mistake that many couples make--before and during the divorce--is to continue the marriage when there is high conflict for the sake of the children. "Exposure to high marital conflict, whether it's verbal or physical, is a mistake, especially when you embroil children in that conflict," says Dr. Dodge.

Another mistake is not preparing children for divorce. Norma Wallace-Jordan, a professor of biblical studies, conference speaker and author of The Ministry of Single Parenting, often speaks to soon-to-be-divorced and single parents on various topics, including managing children's anger about separation and divorce. "The main thing is to not surprise them [with news of the divorce]. Inform your children well in advance," says Jordan.

What To Tell Your Child

Divorce is complex enough for adults--be mindful that it's even more confusing for children. Experts suggest that couples set aside time to meet as a family. Think carefully beforehand about what you will say to your children about the divorce. Don't lie to them and don't argue or fight in front of them. Limit your discussion (at this stage) to the most important and most immediate issues. Don't discuss things such as child custody or visitation at this point. Do reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. "For the difficult parts of divorce, there are no easy solutions" says Dr. Dodge. "In the case where one member of the couple is involved in an extra-marital affair, for instance, I wish I had an easy solution."

Don't Forget To Listen

Most children will have questions about the divorce. They will want to know about their basic needs, such as who will take them to baseball practice and help them with homework. If they don't have questions, ask them about their fears and concerns. Children need and want constant assurance that they will continue to have love from both parents, and that mom and dad will both still be in their lives.

What parents can expect--and do

Depending on the age of the child, his or her reaction may be different. Teenaged girls may feel rejected by their father (if he leaves the marriage) and begin acting or dressing differently to attract male attention. If the child is a toddler, he or she may regress in skills, such as toilet-training, that they have developed after a parent leaves. In addition, use literature or age appropriate books that you can read with a younger child about divorce. Also, both parents should provide positive physical and verbal messages of love and support. Spend more time with your child. For the parent who is moving out of the family home, keep the lines of communication open, through phone calls, visits and e-mail.

If a child is unable to cope with parental divorce, it can manifest itself in other ways, such as the child becoming angry or depressed. This is especially true of girls, warns Dr. Dodge. "Girls internalize things in general. Boys don't really self-reflect as much."

Family experts also say that boys are more likely to have behavioral problems when coping with the divorce of their parents. Unacceptable behavior can escalate when new issues, such as providing adequate supervision after school, arise as the result of divorce. Child psychologists say that for some children, the feelings of loss associated with divorce is parallel to losing a parent through death. Kids often go through a grieving process during divorce; stages may include denial anger and even sadness.