The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Q Without jeopardizing our mother-daughter relationship, how can I gently let my mother know that I want to date a man who has disappointed me in the past and who happens to be the father of my child? If I decide to invite this man back into my life, my morn will disown both me and my son. I want to be happy and I love this man. We are both willing to give our relationship another try, but I'm worried about my mother. I love her dearly, but it is my decision to choose whom I want to date. Still, I want both my mother and my baby's father in my life. Help!

Confused in S.C.

A Love is unconditional, and your mother should know that. Psychologist Julia Hare, Ph.D., says you must be strong enough to tell your mother that you have to make your own decisions. "You have to live with him; your mother does not," Dr. Hare says. Hopefully, your mother can accept this, but if she doesn't, you will have to make a choice. I know there is a bloodline between mother and daughter, but in the end, your mother has to live her life and you have to live yours.

Q I am a 24-year-old single female. I recently found out that I have genital herpes. The doctor cannot tell me when I was infected or how long I've had it. I don't sleep around, so I am furious with myself for not being extra careful. I feel very uncomfortable and I haven't told anyone else except a recent exboyfriend. I realize that not everyone is knowledgeable about this disease. How do I explore new sexual relationships knowing I have this disease? When is the best time to tell about my problem?

Seeking Help

A You are not alone. The Centers for Disease Control reports that 1 in 5 Americans are infected with the herpes virus. Sometimes having an illness can make you feel isolated and alone. But knowing that there are others in the same situation is oftentimes comforting, says sex therapist Hope Ashby, Ph.D. "It is important to get to know a person before you divulge such personal information," she advises. "Obviously, waiting until you are in bed together is not the appropriate time to tell someone this type of information." The smart thing to do today is for potential sexual partners to discuss their sexual histories. This is a good time to bring this up. Educating the person you are with about the disease and how you can protect yourselves is important. There are those who will accept you, and others who won't. But it is important that you accept yourself and know that you are not damaged goods. There are support groups and dating circles for people with herpes. You will find the right person who can see the beautiful person you are despite your illness.

Q I recently found out that my boyfriend was cheating. I broke up with him, but then he begged for forgiveness. This was not the first time he has done this. I love this man, but he keeps breaking my heart. I'm in a new relationship now, but my old boyfriend is trying to break us up. My new man is not standing for it, and he has warned that he will end it if the madness with my ex doesn't stop. What should I do?

Torn Between Lovers

A Even though you complain about your ex flame, you are still in touch with him. Why continue to communicate with someone who cheated on you and broke your heart over and over again? You say he is trying to break up your current relationship. Only you can keep that from happening. You must ask yourself why you are allowing this man to disrupt your life. You know what you should do. Either stay with the old boyfriend and accept his cheating ways or move on with your life. No decent man will accept interference from his lady's old love. Stop playing games with your life and love.

COPYRIGHT 2006 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning