Expert advice on relationships: Doctor Joyce answers your questions about marriage and dating

Q I hope you can help me with my confusion. I have known a particular man for four years. We have been on a date only once. I don't know for sure where he stays, and I only have his cell number. We only talk about three times a week and sometimes he does not answer his phone. He says he is not married, and we have never been intimate. And when we make a date, he never shows up or calls to say he can't make it. I have been angry so many times, and I told him I don't want to keep this up. He refused to stop calling me, and he says he loves me. Well, I don't see that because of his actions. I need closure very badly. Why won't he answer his phone? Why won't he tell me his address? And why does he want to continue this ghost relationship? I told him that I'm woman enough to walk away, but he says no. Can you help me?

In Need of Closure

Dear In Need Of Closure:

You describe yourself as a confused participant in a ghost relationship who needs closure. You do not have to be confused; you do not have to participate in a ghost relationship, and you can give yourself closure if you want it. Just STOP IT! Stop calling him. Stop answering his calls. Stop planning dates with him, and stop getting angry when he doesn't show up. You are absolutely correct: His actions are not loving. No matter what he says, he does not act as though he loves you. You should start loving yourself and stop letting him abuse you emotionally. Be good to yourself. You deserve better.

Q I am a professional 32 year-old Black woman. My husband is also 32. We have been married for almost 11 years and have two beautiful little girls, a nice house and two nice cars. We moved to Florida when my husband got a management position with a company. He's been with the company for four months, and I have noticed changes in his behavior. He spends more time with his secretary (who is a tall, pretty, nicely built young Black woman) than he spends with me. My friends have seen the two together after work at parks and pubs on several occasions. I have questioned him on the matter, but he says it is just job-related and nothing more. But I have a hard time believing him because she calls his cell phone several times during the night when he is at home, and he used to make love to me at least three times a week. We have not had sex in two months. His excuse is, "I am tired from work," or "I don't feel good today." I believe that his secretary--I found she used to be in X-rated films--is tearing our marriage apart. I still love my husband, and I don't want to leave him. We have a lot invested in our marriage. Please tell me, what should I do?

Confused in Florida

Dear Confused In Florida:

Relocating and changing jobs can be very stressful. If the behavior your husband is exhibiting is out of character, it may be a reaction to stress. Don't conduct an inquisition, but do let him know what your feelings and fears are. Let him know that you and the girls love him and want him in your lives. Ask him if he would be willing to visit a marriage counselor with you. If he won't go, you go. Your suspicions are warranted, and you need guidance and support at this time. Your husband is possibly jeopardizing his job and his future at the new company, as well as his family's future. He needs guidance. Seek help so that you and your family can resolve your problems.

--Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with offices in Washington, D.C., and Columbia, Md.

COPYRIGHT 2007 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning