The Ebony: advisory: expert advice on love and relationships

Q I'm seeking advice concerning my behavior when it comes to meeting men and having sex with them on the first date. I was previously in a relationship that ended without my knowledge. This deceit and betrayal really hurt me--and my self-esteem. I've been using the Internet for online dating and this has led me to meet a lot of men and to also sleep with them. I have no feelings for these men. What's going on with me?

--Running loose in Chicago

A First of all, your sexual behavior is extremely dangerous. You are multiplying your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, including AIDS. You've already stated that your self-esteem has suffered because of the failure of a previous relationship. According to mental health experts, behavior such as yours is often found in individuals who are trying to deal with past hurt and pain. You may feel empowered by participating in one-night stands, which are more popular because of Internet dating. To really get control over your emotional well-being, seek professional counseling immediately. As far as dating is concerned, Denene Millner, author of The Sistah Rules, says that women should forego having sex on the first date. "There is this notion that it's okay to have sex with a guy after you've had three dates," says Millner. "There is no set time to have sex. However long it takes to get to know him very, very well--that is when it should happen." And only after you are comfortable with the potential partner and feel that it would be mutually beneficial and that the relationship has a future (if that is indeed what you want.) If you are interested in a relationship with a future, please know that relationship experts agree that men seldom want to have a long-term relationship with a woman who sleeps with them on the first date.

Q What is it that Black women really want? I just failed at my second marriage and I am trying to figure out what women really want from life or from a Brother. My first marriage failed simply because we were married after high school and were too young. As far as why the second marriage failed, I have no earthly clue why my wife and I divorced. After the first year of marriage she moved back home with her parents. Her mother would make her lunches and take care of her. I have the house, the career and all that she asked for. I am thinking of crossing the race line. What should I do? There is no hope. Sisters are becoming more and more combative, argumentative and disrespectful. It would seem that they are only interested in the opinions of their friends and the images of the hip-hop nation.

--Hopeless in Texas

A I suggest that you pose the question of what Black women want to the next Black woman you date. Marrying right after high school (before either you or your ex-wife knew yourselves well) may have played a role in the failure of that marriage. However, blaming your ex-wives for your divorces isn't the answer and neither is dating someone from a different race. You mention that you provided material things for your second wife. Did you address her emotional needs as well? Her moving back home with her mother after a year of marriage shows she may not have been ready for marriage. "Not all Sisters are the same," says Dr. Joyce Hamilton Berry, a licensed clinical psychologist with offices in Washington, D.C., and Columbia, Md. "Crossing the race line isn't going to help, regardless of whether the person is Black, Red, Brown or White. You'll need to sit down with a mental health professional to find out what went wrong in your marriages." You also need to determine what you are looking for in a woman," advises Dr. Berry. Take time to get to know the next Sister who you date. Don't feel that all Black women fit into the same category. Remember, we come in many different flavors.

COPYRIGHT 2006 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning