The Ebony advisor

Q I have been married for more than 20 years and my husband always prefers to spend time with his sister and brother rather than with our kids and me. Whenever I bring it up, he complains that I don't like his family. What is the best way to communicate without any arguments? I'm at the point of just leaving the marriage. Please help.

Desperate in Ontario

A You should join your husband on some of those excursions with his family. Don't force him to make a decision: us or them. Ask how he would feel if you spent all of your time with your sister or girlfriends. You also need to see the kind of bond he has with his siblings. And let them see you there so that they will begin to feel comfortable with you as part of the family.

Q I have been married for 5 years. My husband and I have had our ups and downs and our marriage seems to be going well. Lately, I have come across some things that make me think he has been cheating. There are messages in his cell phone saying "I love you and need you,' but I have not received any of those messages. The other day I found a condom in his wallet. I have always heard that if you look for something bad you will find it. Is that my situation or am I reading into something that may not be true?

Need to know in Tennessee

A First of all, do you and your husband use condoms? If not, this is a clear give-a-way, says psychologist Grace Cornish, Ph.D., author of several relationship books, including The Band-Aid Bond. "Another dead give-a-way is that his 'I love you' cell phone messages are not being sent to you. Pay attention to your intuition. Do not dismiss it at all or pretend it didn't happen. Keep your eyes wide open. Pay unexpected visits to his work place; don't be afraid to pick up the phone and look into everything. You need to know the truth."

Q I have been married to my college sweetheart for 9 years, and recently we have stopped having sex. We previously enjoyed a healthy sex life until March. We both have returned to graduate school to pursue doctoral degrees. We also have two children. We took a short excursion to the North Carolina mountains and had a great time. Unfortunately, we made love only once the entire trip. Since we returned, we have not had relations for three months. I love my husband and I have initiated love making sessions on several occasions only to be brushed off. I am at the point of contemplating an affair as I have several possible suitors who find me extremely attractive and mentally engaging. I hate to go this route, but I feel as though I have done everything within my power to get my husband to want me.

Helpless in North Carolina

A Don't bring a third party into the relationship, advises Dr. Cornish. Your marriage is sure to go downhill. Stress is one of the most common formulas for abstinence. With unnecessary stress, your mind shuts down. The stress of two kids and both of you going to graduate school can take a toll on your sexual relationship. It may have been better for you to go to graduate school one at a time. "Even though you need a release, bringing in a third party won't solve your problem," says Dr. Cornish. "It's time that the two of you started to get to know each other again without the kids, without opening the books." You and your husband should make time to do things together--take walks and go out to dinner. Hire a baby sister and spend some quality time together to rekindle the fire.

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