The dating dilemma: who should pick up the check?

IN today's dating game, couples carefully plan everything they'll do on a first date to make it a memorable occasion, but they never talk about the one thing that could derail the whole night into disaster--who's going to pay the bill? Most traditional-thinking people assume the man should cover the cost whether the woman asks him out or not, whether she makes more than he does or not. But as society changes--with more and more women bringing home bigger paychecks than the men they date--the rules are bending, creating some palpable tension between the sexes and making it difficult to determine who should pay.

This has become a real dilemma for men and women alike, all looking for answers to who should pick up the check. Clinical psychologist Nathan Hare, Ph.D., who has been married for 45 years, says a woman paying for dates is a new development that didn't happen in his younger days--and wasn't expected. During that time, he says, men always paid, and that general rule still applies today. "When boy meets girl, boy can expect to pay," Hare says, adding that women should be very cautious of the men who ask them to pay.

But psychologist Barbara Brown, Ph.D., says if a woman asks a man out, she should plan on bringing enough money to pay for both. "The male should insist on paying, [even if] she says, `No, I asked you out.' Men still have to feel like the hunters. They appreciate women who offer to pay, and they don't like the assumption they have to pay."

Recently, there has been evidence that more and more women don't mind paying because they are happy to have an escort. Some men feel comfortable with this arrangement, and the relationship, experts say, can work if both parties are satisfied with the situation.

In today's dating game, many women like Kelletta Blackburn have found out that there is a growing number of men who don't stand on tradition when it comes to dating. She says she recently went on a date with a man she met on the Internet. They rendezvoused at a coffee shop and she got an unexpected shock. "He didn't even offer to buy me coffee," says Blackburn, 27, a marketing communications manager in Chicago. "More and more men are so cheap that they assume [dating] should be dutch, whether it's a blind date or you meet them in person before the date. But if he's a gentleman, he'll pay."

And not just pay for admission! Some women like Jasmine Williams, a 40-year-old public relations project manager in Hillsdale, N.J., says not asking a date if she wants refreshments at places like movies is just as bad as not paying for the tickets. Many men strongly disagree with that assessment, but other men like Roderick Drew say that's a way to impress your date. "On a first date, especially if I ask, I should pay," says Drew, 34, an assistant press secretary to the mayor of Chicago. "Women don't have to fight for a date. It's up to the guy to make a good impression."

Like men, there are some women who want to impress their dates, but at the same time, they wait to see if he will carry out the traditional chivalrous role. Cassandra Hurt says if she asks a man out, she should pay "or at least touch the check first," she says. "But it's a good gesture for him to offer to pay." Hurt, a 35-year-old real estate broker and consultant from Oak Park, Ill., knows times are changing and some women feel comfortable paying for dates, but she believes that idea opens the door for men to take advantage of women. "[If a woman pays regularly], he'll be less responsible and depend on her to pay."

Therapist Dorothy Tucker, Ph.D., says the whole thing could go deeper than that. "Sometimes when people don't pay for a date, they don't value you. If you value yourself, don't repeat that."

So what about splitting the check? Many people agree that asking the other person to pay their part of the bill shouldn't come on the first few dates, but could be considered further into the relationship. Herb Earl, a 40-year-old model, says: "The woman can pay after the first few dates as long as she doesn't insult the man's masculinity. She shouldn't say she'll pay because he can't pay, but offer to pay because she wants to contribute."

After several dates, Williams says she didn't insult her former boyfriend when she gave him money to pay the check. Prior to the date, she asked him if she needed to bring some money with her. "If I knew he needed money, I would slip it to him because he's the man and he's supposed to pay when the check comes. But in the first four or five dates if a man can't afford to pay, he shouldn't leave the house."

Hurt and other women agree. "The only time it's appropriate for a man to ask a woman to pay is when they're married and she has the checkbook, or if they've been dating for a [while]," she says.

There are men who strongly agree with that idea, but for generations, men have complained that some women take advantage of the man's willingness to pay on a date by making costly demands. And some say that has caused them to be much less enthusiastic about picking up the check. "If she orders something expensive like lobster and he can't pay for it, then she should pay the difference if he asks her to," says Dr. Tucker.