Who says sisters can't be nice? Softness for tough girls

The good news is that Black women are strong, resourceful and tenacious--proud African queens. The bad news is that oftentimes these same Black women stand accused of being overbearing, attitudinal and, most notoriously, the Queens of Mean.

To let some Brothers tell it, Sisters have attitudes that are in a league of their own: the hot-blooded, head-turning, finger-pointing, hands-on-the-hips, talk-to-the-hand kind of persona that flashes to the surface whenever a Sister feels crossed, distressed or challenged.

This fabled hard-as-nails exterior does serve a purpose in the game of love, which is sometimes rife with lies, trickery and good old-fashioned double-crossing. No one wants to be played, so if she does fall prey to the game, there's some salvation in putting her foot down when the next player comes slinking along. Thus, in many social circles, the no-nonsense Sister who has a reputation for "not taking any mess" is respected, even held in high esteem.

And no-nonsense Sisters know that some Brothers just can't resist them, another perk for showcasing a little chutzpah every now and then. In fact, some Black men feel that there's nothing sexier than a woman with a little fire in her belly. Rapper and actor LL Cool J spoke for thousands of Brothers everywhere when he devoted his hit song, "Around the Way Girl," to the young woman with "a bad attitude, that's all it takes to get me in a good mood." At a relationship chat gathering in Chicago, one male participant put the tough woman vs. soft Sister dichotomy in perspective: "A tough woman may be mean to everybody else, but she's on a totally different level when it's just the two of you, and that's just plain sexy," says Eric, 28. "Weak, meek women are like stale white bread, just bland and boring. But feisty women are like fresh, hot cinnamon rolls. Hot, sweet on the eyes, and you just can't get enough of 'em. So you stick around."

But there can be too much of a good thing. Sisters who are attitudinal all the time can push their lover's patience to the limit, and therein lies the problem. "It's cool if she puts her foot down with others," Eric clarifies, "but I wouldn't want to be around somebody who is evil to me too." Of all the other tasks Black women have mastered through the years (i.e. how to do it all and be it all, all the time), they also have to learn how to achieve attitudinal balance.

Sure, Brothers don't mind their woman being an aggressive lioness when they're out in the world taking care of business, but they want that same woman--their woman--to be a soft and cuddly kitten when she comes home to him.

It is abundantly clear that many Sisters may feel the need to scream and shout. It is also abundantly clear why so many Sisters are frustrated--the strong Black woman needs a partner, a confidant, a lover and a helping hand. And in most situations she's just not getting it, says San Francisco-area psychologist Julia Hare, Ph.D., executive director of the Black Think Tank and author of How to Find and Keep a Black Man Working.

"We have so many angry Black women because we outnumber Black males, and those that we would like to have in the marriageable group, and in the employable group, are absent," Dr. Hare explains. "More of our Black women are in college, whereas more of our Black men are in prison. The Black woman thinks of this imbalance and becomes very embarrassed about it because she wants to select the pick of the litter and she cannot."

Although angry, frustrated and perhaps a little bit cynical, Black women should also submit themselves to a reality check: Is it necessary to be angry all the time? And if so, is a funky attitude worth losing a promising relationship?

Relationship experts say that Black women should be reminded that love is a battlefield and there is a war going on. The lines are drawn and females from various ethnic backgrounds are lining up to lure the Brothers' eyes and win their hearts.

While Sisters are standing strong and defiant, the other female players are using their secret weapon--showing Brothers a little tenderness, according to the men who cross racial lines in search for love.

Unfortunately, many Black men feel that Black women are coming up short in the tenderness category, says Audrey B. Chapman, a Washington, D.C.-area counselor who has written several books on relationships.

"The fantasy of African-American men in particular is that we are the most aggressive women in the world," says Chapman. "They really believe this. When I wrote the book, Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man, Black men saw the title and asked, `You mean you only found seven attitude adjustments?!'"

Dr. Hare points out that many Black women are growing more bitter by the day. And what's even worse, she adds, is that the more successful the Sister becomes, the less likely she is to find a compatible partner.

"But the Sister sees that the White woman can find that type of successful mate, not only in the White population, but she can also find it in the Black male population," Dr. Hare continues. "So as a result, a lot of Black women are hurt and angry because they assume that all successful Black men are married to White women, which definitely is not true."