Expert advice on love and relationship - The Ebony Advisor

`I have bad luck in meeting nice females. Can you please help me?

Q I am a 22-year-old single Black male and it seems that I have bad luck in meeting nice females. Every time I talk to one, she says `I'm married] or `I've got a man' or `I don't have a man and I'm not looking for one." Or they have a stuck-up attitude. I never have been in a serious relationship. I talk to a lot of fine females in public places like the mall and movies. When the right female comes around, I might settle down. Can you please help me?

New York

A Without knowing more about you and how you conduct yourself, it is rather difficult to assess what you are doing wrong in regards to women. Hopefully you don't just holler "Hey Baby," when a woman walks by. There are plenty of places to meet girls other than in the mall. But first make sure you have something to offer. Are you always clean and well groomed? Do you have a job? Are you in school trying to better yourself? A better place to meet young women is in a setting that naturally brings you together, such as a college campus, at church, or at an organization or club meeting. Work on making yourself the best that you can be, and you will meet people who have similar interests and goals in life.

Q We have been married for 12 1/2 years. My husband is a very unreasonable man. We have two young children--a boy and a girl. My husband loves to hold grudges and if we have a disagreement, he takes it to the next level because he doesn't like for me to disagree with him. He has two jobs and I know he is very tired, but he doesn't take time out for the family. He is always sleeping or watching television. The children notice everything he does not do with them. I've spoken to him about this on several occasions, but he ignores me. He is very much a chauvinist. He takes me nowhere and when we do anything together, I have to initiate it. I work everyday and sometimes if I come home and don't cook, he makes a big deal. I've told him I can't cook everyday because sometimes when I get home I'm extremely tired. He feels he must always have his meals whether I'm tired or not. As he puts it, I'm not living up to my responsibilities. I love my husband very much and I want to make my marriage work, but he is making my life very difficult.

New York

A Unfortunately, you've started something you can't keep up--cooking every night after working on the job all day--and it is sometimes very difficult for a man, especially a chauvinistic one, to accept the fact that he can't have it all. Sure, your husband wants the benefit of your paycheck, but he also wants the benefit of a housewife, someone who can have his dinner on the table when he gets in from work. It is unrealistic for him to expect you to do all of that and cater to his needs as well. You say that he doesn't spend any quality time with the children or with you, so it can be assumed that he doesn't help around the house either. Stand your ground the house and tell him you cannot and will not continue to do it all, that he must help with the household chores and spend more time with the children. He will not like this and it is likely to lead to more arguments and his silent moods. Ask him to go to counseling with you. If he refuses, go alone. Talk to your pastor, your doctor or find a marriage therapist. You cannot continue to carry the load all by yourself. Marriage is a partnership. He has to pull his weight and do his share to make it work. You need to get some rest, clear your head and decide what is best for you and your children.

Q The man I've been married to for 23 years cheated on me five years into our marriage and ended up having three children with other person. Recently, I started to file for a divorce; he found out and pretended he wanted to reconcile, but it was just an act. He s an alcoholic and has seizures and hasn't worked in about 17 years. I have such hostility toward this man, and so I need really get out of this relationship before I go crazy. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he also doesn't want to commit to me. Is it wrong for me to want out?

Chicago

A No, it's not wrong for you want out. You have taken a lot from this inconsiderate louse for 23 years. If he is not willing to commit to you, then you must make hard decisions. It is now time to think about yourself, your well-being And your own happiness and future.

Q In the past I was very sexually active without using protection. Thanks to God almighty, I never caught anything. I do appreciate this. Things is, I never got pregnant either. I've had more than one partner and I never conceived. My mother suggets that it was God protecting me. At first I believe this, but then I began to wonder if I will ever be able to bear children. How can I know if I can or not? Is it that I'm barren? Please let me know.

California

A First, count your blessings that you never "caught anything" or got pregnant, regardless of your foolish ways. And please know that just because you have been lucky enough not to get pregnant does not mean you cannot have children. If you want to know for sure, go to your doctor and ask for a thorough exam. He or she will be able to tell you if you are fertile and able to have children. Regardless, stop having unprotected sex. It's dangerous.

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