Being married to a star is not always a starring role

TO the onlooker, celebrity wives enjoy an existence filled with enviable advantages--luxurious homes, shopping sprees, posh parties, high-profile premieres, and unfettered access to the world's best nannies, cooks and personal trainers.

But there is another side, a not-so-attractive side that includes security guards, persistent paparazzi, dubious friendships and calculating women who try to close in on your turf.

Many spouses of celebrities say that if you have a high-profile man, you have to be very skilled at holding your tongue, even under the most difficult circumstances. Some say it's hard to get used to fans dismissing them, walking over them as if they don't even exist.

For instance, Tammy Franklin, wife of gospel superstar Kirk Franklin, says one passionate fan trampled her small children while trying to get her husband's attention. "We were out with our children and a lady knocked over our 3-year-old and our 6-year-old to get to Kirk, and they actually fell down," she says. "Politely as I could, I let her know that she had pushed my children down, and she apologized."

And it can be especially hard, some wives say, to take the high road when scores of women are constantly trying to make a move on their man. For Aisha Murray Atkins, female fans, she says, can be especially vile when it comes to her husband Ja Rule, one of the sexiest men on the airwaves.

"A lot of people think that he lives his life the way that he does in his videos, and a lot of times when I'm out, we can even be with the family, with our kids, and people always ask me 'Who are you?' And it always makes me so angry," Atkins says. "I have my son in my arms, and I have a wedding band on, and I've been asked if I was the nanny! But I just take it with a grain of salt; I bite my tongue and just deal with it."

Female fans can be an issue in the political arena as well. Vivian Creighton Bishop, clerk of the Municipal Court of Columbus, Ga., and chair of the Congressional Spouses, says that a campaign worker once told her that, despite the fact that she was married to Congressman Sanford D. Bishop Jr. (D-Ga.), she was definitely not his first lady.

"This campaign worker exhibits her obsession for my husband by pasting his nametags all over her clothing and by showering him with gifts and food," Bishop recalls. "Once, she overheard a very close friend of ours refer to me as 'the First Lady', and so she stormed up to my friend and told him to never call me that again. She stated that Sanford belonged to everybody, not just me. I just smiled and nodded in agreement, after taking a deep breath."

And Simone-Marie Meeks, wife of U.S. Rep. Gregory W. Meeks (D-New York), says she was eight months pregnant when a woman practically bulldozed her to get next to her husband. "I was at an event with my husband, and we were holding hands and walking when suddenly I was elbowed by an overzealous young woman wanting to speak with Gregory," she recalls. "Having lost a child the previous year, my mind said to simply step away. I did, and there was no incident. I don't believe that woman knows she elbowed me ... and oddly enough, it just saddens me."

Not all obsessed fans and groupies are of the female persuasion, according to Marie Claudinette Jean, wife of musician/producer Wyclef Jean. "Wyclef and I [had gone out to eat dinner], and this gentleman came up to him and said, 'Wyclef, how are you? I'm your cousin!'" she laughs. "And the fan started naming the whole family background, but he couldn't remember Clef's mom's name. He sat at our table and told the whole history of how he supposedly met Clef and how they all used to hang together when they were little kids. After he left, my husband said he had no idea who that man was. I thought, 'Wow, this is crazy!'"

As bad as some situations can get, unfortunately, at times they can get worse and gravitate to physical encounters. For example, Audrey Wheeler Downing, who met her husband R&B crooner Will Downing while singing backgrounds on his first album, says that an ambitious female fan literally pushed her aside to get to her man. "I was on a date with my husband [then boyfriend], who took me to see a Broadway play for my birthday, and this woman saw him, ran over to him, pushing me aside, and told him that she was his BIGGEST fan in the world," she says. "I handled her by introducing myself to her to let her know that someone else was standing there also!"

But sometimes, when fans get out of control, holding your tongue isn't an option, according to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) wrestler Jazz, wife of WWE superstar Rodney Mack. When a female fan heckled and then charged toward her husband, it led, she says, to a bloody brawl. "We went to a wrestling show to watch some friends of ours wrestle, and during intermission, this guy challenged my husband. Then his wife jumped into my husband's face, so of course, there I went," Jazz says. "I ended up breaking her nose. It was terrible."

Celebrity wives must be secure within themselves and secure within their marriage in order to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the drama, says Kimberley Scott, wife of ESPN Sports Center anchor Stuart Scott.