The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Q I'm a 6-feet-tall, 138-pound, model-type female with no a stable job, my own car and apartment. I have genuinely loved my dates and have shown that love by giving gifts, cooking for them, calling canstantly ... and even sending flowers. But every relationship I have ever had, I have been used and abused. Seems like men only want women who are provocative and flamboyant and speak rude to them and are very demanding. I've had church men, business men, athletes, and all dumped me. Am I doing something wrong, or is the world wrong? What is the recipe for today's Black man?

Florida

A Dear Flustered in Florida, There are journeys and destinations in love.

The journey, which most men like to initiate, involves dining, dancing and romancing, when he puts forward his best efforts to get to know you and win you over.

Men take great pride in planning the journey when in hot pursuit. He wants to see your smile when YOU receive the flowers. He wants to hear your "thank you" when YOU enjoy his best attempt at a home-cooked meal. But ironically, your efforts to "show love" are actually cheating your potential dates out of their journey and thus, the final destination for the two of you is cut short.

The law of supply and demand is also in order here. What attracted these Brothers to you initially was your kind personality and your model looks. But your willingness to plan vacations and rearrange your schedule on a whim makes you appear desperate, common, and thus, not a hot commodity; i.e., someone worth pursuing.

So don't shake a tree for its dewdrops. Take your time, relax, be yourself and let him do the legwork for love. You may be surprised what a sweet journey it is.

Q You can hear my son's CDs and radio a mile away. The problem is that most of the songs contain four-letter words and lyrics that call Black women "hos" and "bitches." What should I do?

Illinois

A If your problem is with the volume, buy your son a pair f headphones. If it's the content of the songs that bothers you, it's now standard practice in the record industry for CDs with explicit content to have a parental advisory warning label. The industry has also made it possible to purchase "clean" versions of CDs with the explicit or offensive lyrics obscured. You should also have a mother-to-son talk with him and tell him that while the latest jam may be music to his ears, it's also offensive to yours and other women's. Some mothers would even say that if it's my house and my electricity, there's not going to be any "ho"-mongering here at all.

Q I'm 14 years old and oil my If friends wear low-cut jeans, exposing their navels, etc. My mother says I can't dress like that. She even came to school and made a big scene. I'm thinking of running away.

California

A Running away is not the answer. Although you may eel that your mother is being unfair, try talking with her about how you feel, not about the clothes that you want to wear. Let her know how you feel when you are able to wear clothes that you like, and correspondingly, how you feel when she doesn't allow you that privilege.

Try to compromise with your morn and find clothes that represent who you are, without revealing what your mother does not want you to show.

Secondly, be honest with yourself and ask yourself if your feelings are based on a need to be accepted by your peers. If it is acceptance that you seek, real friends will accept you no matter what you wear.

COPYRIGHT 2004 Johnson Publishing Co.
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