The Ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Q Please help mall My fiance is very insecure, controlling and doesn't trust me. What can I do to make him realize he's the only man in my life besides my son? When my son's father visits, he calls constantly. My fiance is so threatened by him and asks: "Am I better than him in bed?" It frustrates me. He honestly is a better role model for my son than his father. He treats me well, and I love him dearly. But he questions everything--my male friends, going to the gym and going to school (he thinks it's worthless and fears I will find someone else). Should I let him go because he's insecure and doesn't trust me?

New York

A Because you have not contributed to his insecurity, there is nothing you can do to make him more secure. You have not mentioned anything you have done to contribute to his sense of insecurity. These are his issues, not yours. You have to decide if the benefits of the relationship outweigh the risks. His insecurity and efforts to control you are significant risks that will likely escalate over time. And while he may be a better role model for your son, does he really qualify as a "good" role model? He may treat you better than other men have, but he appears to fall short of treating you the way you deserve to be.

Q I've been married to a woman I love for 13 years. My wife books events for a co-worker who does exotic dancing on the side. He doesn't pay her. Recently, my wife returned from a bachelorette party with a message from her exotic dancing friend. He told her I was very lucky to have her. I simply warned her of "wolves in sheep's clothing." She immediately started defending him, saying that he was married. I've never been the jealous type, but this situation has raised an eyebrow. So, should I worry?

Philadelphia

A You probably don't have to worry about your wife's co-worker, at least not based on his comment that you are "lucky to have her." They may be just friends. However, you may want to discuss with your wife why she spends so much time booking this co-worker's exotic dancing gigs. To recommend him to folks who might be interested in his services is one thing, but getting actively involved is another. However, it all might just be innocent fun.

Q I've been in my first real relationship for two years now. He was my first and has been my only. He tells me he loves me. The problem is that I am 25 and he is 63 and has been married for 33 years. He says he hasn't had anything to do with her since before we hooked up and they sleep in separate bedrooms. I've asked him to get a divorce and make a life with me. He keeps telling me that he is "trying" and for me to be patient and that "it takes time." Will he ever leave his wife to be with me? Should I just move on with my life?

Florida

A It is doubtful that he will leave his wife. It is unfortunate that your "first and only" is an older married man. Think about what you are doing. Are you prepared to nurse your older lover when bad health overcomes him? Do you want children? Does he want more? Are you prepared for a diminished sex life? (You will reach your sexual peak long after his sex drive has diminished.) More importantly, your older lover is married. Because he is your "first and only," you may be smitten with him and outfoxed by him. You should end the dead-end relationship, start dating people in your own generation and move on with your life. You deserve better.

COPYRIGHT 2003 Johnson Publishing Co.
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