The Ebony Advisor: expert advice on love and relationships - Letter to the Editor

Q The man I have been with for two years is a gentleman. But we've had sex only five times. He says he wants to save his love for his wife. He also wants to win over my son's respect and friendship. That's fine! But I want to be loved, held and everything else that comes along with the package. I also told him that it is okay to show affection around the kids, but he said not! I asked if he is gay, and he cursed me out. (He has been married, and has kids by two different women.) It's hard to believe that any man in his right mind does not want to cuddle, fondle or whatever. How can someone go for so long without being loved?

Mississippi

A It certainly sounds as though your man is a gentleman and that you appreciate his care with your son and yourself, to a certain degree. You mentioned several issues that concern you: his limited interest in sex before marriage, his discomfort with being affectionate with you around son, and dissatisfaction with the current sexual arrangement. Is your dissatisfaction related to your desire to marry him or your desire to simply have a more significant sexual relationship? If marriage is not a part of your plan together, you should either tolerate the limited affection or find someone else who better satisfies your needs.

Q Why do Black women only like tall men, bad boys, rappers and good-looking men? I am 43, 5'4" 177 pounds. I work out three days a week and also have a job. Black women don't look my way. They act as if I chose to be short. I'm no Denzel Washington or Tyrese, but I am no monster either. I have never had a girlfriend. How can I get Sisters to notice me?

Virginia

A There is little doubt that our society overemphasizes outward appearance. You mention that you have never had a girlfriend, which suggests that you may have limited experience relating to women. This fact, rather than your physical appearance, may be affecting your current situation. Do you have female relatives or friends? If so, use your relationships with them as a guide. A very common mistake that men make is the expectation that an intimate relationship with a woman is dramatically different than a friendship. In fact, the best intimate relationships are born of friendships. The key to the heart of many women is conversation and communication.

Q I have been with this guy for nine years. When we got together it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I fell in love and so did he. Now he has cheated on me with my cousin's friend and she might be pregnant. I took care of this guy for nine years. He didn't have a job when I met him. I just want to die. Part of me wants to let him go and part of me wants me to take one day at a time. Please help me!

Texas

A Regretfully, love alone does not sustain relationships. Respect, commitment and responsibility are required. The fact that your man had an affair is one thing; the fact that he did so inside your family circle is another and reflects a lack of respect for you and your relationship. If you decide to maintain the relationship, different terms must be negotiated and you may not be able to manage that on your own. Seek the support of a relationship therapist to assist you. You also must stop taking care of him and, in doing so, allow him to take care you.

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