The truth about one-night stands

IN the brave new world of speed-dating, Internet passion and cross-country business conferences where singles meet, network and--we are told--make connections, is the old and explosive question of the impact and repercussions of one-night stands meaningful or even relevant?

We put that question to relationship experts and Sisters and Brothers from coast to coast and were surprised to discover that it is not only relevant, but that it is more explosive than ever. More to the point, perhaps, there is still a tendency to rate men and women on different scales ...

We had assumed, like many others, that the automobile, cell phone, urban anonymity and the fact that so many singles have their own apartments had changed the terms and meaning of the debate. But it seems, the more things change, the more they remain the same.

For new technology and equipment--including convenient birth control methods like the pill, the shot and the patch-have complicated the question and made the search for answers more urgent and, in some cases, more dangerous.

On these and others, as you might expect, the answers are, in large part, still divided along the gender lines of he says, she says and they say.

Does the double standard still exist for women?

HE SAYS

Sorry, Sisters, the double standard is alive and gossiping, according to many experts and Brothers.

"Men have double standards," says Brittian Wilder, author of Is it Love or a Big Misunderstanding? "If a man is physically attracted to you and you have a great conversation, he may try to test the waters [just to see how far he can go]. But if it happens too soon, the first thing he's going to think is, if she did this with me, who else has she done this with?"

William July, author of The Hidden Lover: What Women Need to Know That Men Can't Tell Them, agrees, adding that if a woman decides to go all the way on the first night, she should expect to be penalized for it.

"Fair or not, men put women on two different tracks in dating: 1. Women they want a relationship with, and 2. Women they want to mess around with," he says. "Many a potential relationship is compromised in the early stages because of premature [intimacy]."

Believe it or not, some men are completely turned off by the aggressive female.

"Stan," a 50-year-old Chicago-area photographer, says he was "all but attacked" nearly two decades ago, and he hasn't had a one-night stand since.

"This woman, the friend of a mutual friend, was not the kind of woman who I would find attractive," Stan recalls. "We had a few drinks, and then she asked to come back to my place. Afterwards she left.

I was thrown by it. I felt used."

SHE SAYS

The double standard may still exist, but Sistergirls don't have to adhere to it, argues Tricia Rose, professor of American studies at the University of California at Santa Cruz, and author of Longing to Tell: Black Women Talk About Sexuality and Intimacy.

"Women should be able to make whatever choices they want to make without punitive judgment," Dr. Rose says. "I certainly think that women who want to [have one-night stands] should do that. But [this behavior] seems to be a concession to the fact that they don't feel that they can have a meaningful connection to somebody."

Dr. Rose adds that a man whose life revolves around a series of one-night stands is a man in trouble sexually and socially because apparently he cannot communicate with a woman for more than one night. This is especially troubling to her. "I feel that men who operate in this way are as tragic as women, if not more so, because in the context of the environment, there's a lot of risk-taking with minimal opportunities."

Bronwen Millet, a D.C.-area clinical psychologist, agrees, adding that the motive behind the one-night stand really concerns her.

"It's always good to know what it is that you want, and to not abide by what society says you should be or do," Dr. Millet says. "Most times, people do not inadvertently have one-night stands; the person has been hurt in the past and does not want to be vulnerable in a long-term relationship. The drawback is that people aren't looking at what's fueling this behavior, or what's going on in their life that is denying them emotional entanglements."

Can a serious relationship arise out of a one-night stand?

SHE SAYS

Don't be fooled into thinking that a one-night stand leads to everlasting love, warns San-Francisco-area psychologist Julia Hare, author of How to Find and Keep a Black Man Working. Dr. Hare says that not only will the man dismiss a meaningful relationship with you, he may also leave you with an uncomfortable and embarrassing parting gift--an unwanted pregnancy or an STD.

"To have a meaningful relationship arise out of a one-night stand is absolutely wishful thinking, and many people are in denial," she says. "And it's dangerous because there has been an increase in sexually transmitted diseases. It's a critical situation."

A disturbing reality about one-night stands, according to D.C.-area psychologist Millet, is the fact that a major part of the fantasy is to engage in risky behavior.