What brothers really want: in women, sex & relationships - Column

BRACE yourself! Black men from coast to coast have broken ranks with the ultrasecretive Brotherhood (momentarily anyway), and are revealing their true feelings about Black women, sex and relationships.

It took some moderate flattery and major cajoling (some decided to go on record, but many, many others would only speak on condition of anonymity) before these Brothers agreed to divulge the deepest secrets of Black men, specifically how they pick and choose the woman to court, the woman to keep, and, of course, the woman to let go.

These men come from all walks of life, from the Deep South to the wild, wild, West, from the upper echelon of academia to the bizarre yet entertaining world of professional wrestling, just to tell you what Black men really, truly, unequivocally and without a doubt are looking for in a woman.

So, if you're single and in the market for Mr. Right, it may be in your best interest to read and take heed.

SECERET # 1:

SEX AND SEX APPEAL MATTER, BUT HOT AS MUCH AS YOU MAY THINK.

When asked to describe their ideal woman, most Brothers were upfront about wanting a woman who is appealing to his particular eye. They reported that a woman who is well-dressed (i.e., nice nails, neat hairdo, and in good physical shape) is definitely a plus. Some men, such as professional wrestler Booker T., expressed their ideal woman in great physical detail: "My woman has to have a nice, full [behind]," he says. "And a nice mouth is very important. She has to have nice, supple lips that I can kiss first thing in the morning without her having to put on any lipstick."

But amazingly most Brothers mentioned the woman's personality, and if their two personalities clicked upon the first meeting as having major importance to them. Apparently, a woman's sex appeal and/or physical attributes were more of an after-thought.

"A lot of beauty comes from within, it's more confidence; the way you carry yourself as opposed to the fantasy model-type beauty that matters," says Andre Suite, executive vice president of Scan (P. Diddy) Combs' restaurant chain Justin's. `Women come in different shapes and sizes, and I don't believe one is more beautiful than the other."

Actor Sharif Atkins of NBC's ER shares the same sentiment. "The first thing I notice about a woman is her personality. I don't need that glamor all the time, not on a daily basis, because it just says that she's not totally comfortable with herself. I'm more turned on by someone who can dress casually, like wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt, and I can find her cute."

And Sisters who are gradually transforming themselves into the music video girls really need to chill, says Michael Baisden, author of God's Gift to Women. "Some Black women are perpetuating the new standard of beauty in music videos and on television by going out and buying weaves and by getting implants. But you have to realize that it's not all about the physical, that's the introductory phase, but what Black men are really looking for is peace. Black women must learn how to have peace within themselves. You have to relax. There's a certain vibe that women give off when they are happy and at peace with themselves, and that's what Black men are really attracted to."

SECERET # 2

MEN WANT THE GOOD GIRL CAND SOMETIMES, THE BAD GIRL).

Which woman is more desirable to men? The temperamental temptress in the come-hither spandex dress? Or the laid-back Sister with the sweet smile and the casual-chic attire? Short answer: Most Black men want both.

NFL superstar Eddie George of the Tennessee Titans seeks a strong woman who will be a superb role model for his children. "I have to be able to know that she can bring my children into the world, and that if something were to happen to me, she could raise them properly. I have to see those qualities in her," George says. "We must have the same vision, qualities and values to instill in my kids."

Atlanta-area psychologist Tiy-E Muhammad, author of Secrets Men Keep: What They Don't Tell, says his ideal woman is comprised of sugar and spice. "Career-oriented men want more than anything to have a woman who is supportive of him and his endeavors," Dr. Muhammad says. "We want a woman who is spontaneous, adventurous, a little kinky, educated, naturally sweet, but has a little street-thug in her."

SECRET # 3

GAME RECOGNIZES GAME--SO DON'T PLAY YOURSELF.

If you let these guys tell it, if you're a single and successful Black man in America, you're a moving target for many unscrupulous women whose idea of "retirement planning" consists of becoming some wealthy guy's baby's-mama, or even filing bogus sexual harassment complaints. Some women even threaten to go straight to the tabloids to smudge the guy's reputation.

Taking these dating and mating hazards into consideration, these high-profile Brothers choose to be very careful when selecting a serious mate. Through trial and error, these men say they have developed a sixth sense about the woman who's not on the up-and-up, and she's quickly given the boot.