Women on top: making more than your man

VANESSA Jordan makes $200,000 per year and her boyfriend makes $30,000. Cassandra Rogers earns $325,000 per year compared to her husband's $45,000.

Jordan and Rogers are among an increasing number of Sisters who are becoming the breadwinners in their families and the moneymakers in their relationships. But with the increased earning power of Sisters has come a new strain on relationships and a new set of challenges. Now that more women are bringing home the bacon, how can they make their man feel like "the man?"

The first step, says Dr. Paris Finner-Williams, psychologist and author of Marital Secrets: Dating, Lies, Communication and Sex (coauthored with husband Robert Williams), is for couples to learn to manage their money, rather than allowing their money to manage them. "Assess the overall needs of the relationship in terms of the total need--financially, romantically, emotionally, socially, and then evaluate each party's ability to contribute to those needs as a whole. Never define your relationship in terms of money alone."

Secondly, the couple must establish an open line of communication, where each party has equal access and equal opportunity to share their concerns and their interests. A solid line of open communication around money matters helps to alleviate misconceptions, misjudgments and assumptions that could damage the relationship. When both people feel comfortable in sharing their issues, there is a platform for the exchange of dialogue and an opportunity to create a common goal.

Dr. Finner-Williams advises over 1,500 patients per year and helps them define and create a balance that works for them when there are monetary issues. "The relationship can be successful if there is an agreement between the two as to how the money is handled and if the couple is sensitive toward each other, rather than dominating," says Dr. Finner-Williams. "Unfortunately, we live in a society where people will confront you with your differences. In order to deal with that, you've got to know who you are as a person and accept who you are as a person. That way, you can face the differences between you and your mate and see the quality that those differences bring."

Rahsaan Lowe, a 31-year-old marketing representative, accepts that his CPA girlfriend makes more than he does, but says that it has never interfered with their relationship. "The focus in our relationship is on our success as a couple," he says. "I want my lady to make as much as she can and do the best that she can, the same as I want for myself. That will only make us better as a whole. With what I do have, I do as much as I can and I put my heart into it."

Committing your heart to the relationship and dismissing outdated stereotypes are essential issues in bridging the salary gap, experts say. "In my generation, we grew up thinking that the husband or male figure would make the most money and would always be the dominant person," says Dr. Finner-Williams. "But those images were created when women did not have the accessibility or the opportunity to reach their maximum potential. Now, women are in a position to flourish, and with that comes a chance to make money that is comparable, if not more than, our male counterparts."

But Tangie McKinley, an engineer, believes that making more money than her partner contributed to the demise of her relationship. "Men say that they like a woman who makes good money, but living it every day is different. I made nearly 50 percent more than he did and he resented that fact," says McKinley. "He associated money with power and when he didn't have money, or didn't have enough of it, he felt that he didn't have power. It was an emasculating feeling for him."

Avoiding feelings of emasculation, resentment and animosity begin with a thorough assessment of your partner's monetary history before you enter a relationship. "Yon have to understand your man's history regarding money and his family's history regarding money and respect the significance of that. You have to understand his method of allocating resources, his system of handling expenditures and how he perceives himself within that process," says Finner-Williams, co-owner with husband Robert Williams, of Finner-Williams and Associates Psychological Services in Detroit. "A man's ego is attached to money, but a woman's sense of security is attached to it as well. We encourage couples to be open and honest when they are getting to know each other so that they can deal with differences regarding the concept of money. If they don't resolve these differences prior to entering a relationship, they will become heated words that are exchanged in the midst of an argument or when times are difficult."

McKinley recalls many arguments with her ex-boyfriend regarding the lifestyle that her high-paying career brought. "I was often invited to conferences, seminars, dinners, picnics and other corporate-related functions and people expected me to show up with my significant other," she says. "But he never wanted to attend because he was uncomfortable in the `high-profile' environment. I understood his feelings, but I grew resentful of continually explaining to my co-workers and superiors why I was alone or came with a girlfriend. I wanted to share that part of my world with him, but he was unwilling."