Why some sisters only date whites & "others" - The Flip Side

SOME Sisters argue that a good Black man is hard to find, but some, a growing number, are telling Black men to get lost.

S-O-M-E--watch that word--beautiful, professional, upwardly mobile Sisters claim they are so fed up with the antics of Black men that they have sworn off Black men forever, and are crossing over to the other side--dating, falling in love and eventually marrying non-Black men.

Just how widespread is this new dating trend? Consider this: In 1998, a Black woman in Seattle started an Internet chat club (Black Women and White Men) for Sisters seeking some Caucasian companionship. Within a few months the group had 300 members. Today, the club boasts a nationwide registry of 40,000 members and, according to club president Steven Glochowsky, a 49-year-old White Jewish male who dates Black women exclusively, hundreds of curious candidates are rejected on a regular basis.

Memphis native Dazelle Yvette, a 24-year-old model, is a proud member of the chat group who says she's no longer waiting on Brothers to come around and offer her the love she needs.

"Why wait on a Black man?" she asks. "Your soul mate may not be what you expect. He may not be this tall, bald, chocolate-covered Brother; he may be this beautiful, blond-haired, blue-eyed man, or this beautiful yellow man. He can be Asian, Spanish, Arabian, anything, you never know who you' re going to fall in love with, or who is going to love you the way you need to be loved. So why wait on a Black man?"

In New York, actress/journalist Pamela Robinson, 26, says she grew tired of bumping into Black men who didn't consider Black women to meet their standard of beauty, so she flipped the script--and now she only dates non-Black men.

"It's a little hurtful to say, but so many of us don't date Black men because most of the Black men just don't want us," Robinson says. "They don't want me. I have platonic Black male friends, and I know. They want somebody who's light-skinned and who has what society deems `good hair.' They want to marry and have babies with these `other' women. Well, I've been treated nicer by `other' men, so that's what I'm going to stick with."

In Fredericksburg, Va., Stefanie Stephens, a 32-year-old exercise physiologist, says her brown eyes have been seeking out the blue ones since she was in grade school.

"When I was in first-grade, I asked my kindergarten teacher to marry me--he was a White man," Stephens laughs. "I can't explain the attraction. But I feel that White men know how to treat me with respect."

These Sisters are not alone in their criticism of Black men, and ironically, some Black men cited similar disappointments in their decision to avoid dating Sisters (EBONY, "Why Some Brothers Only Date Whites And Others," January 2003).

Washington-area relationship expert Audrey Chapman, author of Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man, says there are two major factors that are leading to the increase of Black women dating non-Black men: A). The increase of Black men getting involved with non-Black lovers set the stage for frustrated Black women to follow their lead; and B). The alleged drought of available Black men is forcing some Sisters to reconsider interracial dating or face being alone.

"If Black women are going to have partners they're going to have to look at Italian men, Latino men, men of other ethnic groups," says Chapman. "Black women have to open doors. They have to give themselves more options."

Although Chapman isn't alone in her belief that a Sister's soul mate doesn't necessarily have to be a soul Brother, many Black women have resisted interracial dating because of the fear of committing sexual and racial betrayal. And this fear has been the roadblock that has kept the free-willed Black woman out of the White man's bedroom for eons, according to Claudia Mitchell-Kernan, vice chancellor and dean of UCLA's Graduate Division, and coauthor of the groundbreaking study, New Trends in Black Interracial Marriage: The Social Structural Context.

But today, explains Dr. Mitchell-Kernan, many Black women no longer view interracial dating as taboo.

"There was a time when Black women considered interracial dating, dating White men in particular, as something no respectable woman would do because of the widespread belief that men of other races are only interested in Black women for sexual reasons," she states. "And the other [deterring] factor is the legacy of slavery. Black women did not have control of their sexuality during slavery, so during the post-slavery period they took control. And part of what evolved from that [newfound control] was an avoidance of men other than Black men."

But how did this sense of control reverse itself, resulting in scores of Black women avoiding Black men? What's really behind the exodus of Black women leaving the 'hood in search of love and happiness?

New York-area psychologist Jeffrey Gardere, author of Love Prescription: Ending the War Between Black Men and Women, says good old-fashioned escapism is the culprit. He says that having an attraction or preference for a particular shade of man is one's own prerogative, but the avoidance of Black men because of fear, resentment or past disappointments is quite unhealthy.