Expert advice on love and relationship - The Ebony Advisor

Q I'm a 56-year old Black man. I'm married and love my wife very much. We both work and we have two children who are grown and live on their own. My problem is that I want to have sex more often than once or twice a week. My wife says that is enough for her. My sex drive is pretty high. Is that normal for my age? I want to know how many times a man should have sex with his wife. I thought she belonged to me and I belonged to her. Neither one of us has any medical problems, and we don't smoke or drink or do drugs. Can you enlighten me on this situation a little. I want more "nooky."

Louisiana

A How often a couple has sex is an individual (or rather, couple) thing. What might be "normal" for one couple is not necessarily the norm for another. One recent survey found that half of all Americans over the age of 60 have sex at least once a month, and men are more than twice as likely as women to want more sex. Another study found that those over age 55 have sex 3.6 times a month, or about once a week. You give no indication if there are other marital problems, and how often you and your wife have had sex in the past. Many men would say that you have a wonderful sex life and would love to be so fortunate. You should discuss your needs with your wife, but you should not make demands on her. Yes, she is your wife, but she does not belong to you. You cannot demand sex just because you are her husband. Instead, woo her, court her, romance her all over again. Reignite the fire and chemistry that drew you together in the first place. If this fails, you and your wife should seek marital counseling to determine if you can come up with a solution that will make you both happy.

Q My wife was looking for our wedding video and asked where it was. I replied that I was taking it to my sister so she could view it while she was in town. My wife got mad and replied, "Why does she have to have a private viewing? Why does she need her own audience?" Did I do something wrong?

New York

A It doesn't appear that you did anything wrong. Your wife might have gotten upset for a number of reasons, including: 1. She doesn't like your sister; 2. Your wife is insecure, temperamental or it was just a bad time; 3. She didn't want the wedding video to get lost; 4. Your wife assumed your sister has an ulterior motive for requesting to see it again; 5. Your wife is looking for an excuse to give you a hard time. Let the incident pass. Hopefully this is not indicative of what your wife is really like and what your marriage will be like.

Q I am in a relationship with a guy whom I have been seeing for four years. When I met him, I was seeing someone else and started seeing him on the side. He was seeing someone else also. I am very much in love with him, and he says he's in love with me. I stopped seeing the other guy I was with and committed myself to be with him not only. But he says he's not ready to make any commitment to me and he does not want to stop seeing me or his other lady friend. He's 45 years old and I'm 37 years old. At this age, I am looking for maturity but obviously there is none. Should I leave him and find someone who appreciates me more, or stay with him even though he's not willing to change. I'm a lover in distress! What should I do?

Florida

A First, you must face reality. He is not ready to commit to you, and he may never be ready to settle down with only one woman as long as women like you and the other woman allow him to manipulate multiple relationships to his advantage. You say you are 37. Then you should respond in a mature manner and accept the fact that you cannot change such a man. Even if he verbally commits to you, he most likely will continue to have multiple partners. Pack up your heart and move on. If you hang around, you will surely experience more pain and disappointment.

Q I am dating a young lady who seems to have quite a number of "male friends," and they are all former lovers. The problem is this: She often asks and receives monetary gifts from her former lovers. Recently a "friend" took her shopping for clothes while another gave her $2,000 cash. Since she is my girlfriend (and has been for the past two years), I feel awkward about another man giving her cash and/or buying her clothes. She did not seek the money or clothes from me but turned to these former lovers. How should I feel about this? I see this as rather emasculating. Should I assume there is more to the "friendly" relationships that she has with these men? Should I leave this relationship?

Maryland

A This is unusual and you have good reason to question her commitment to you and your relationship. Express your concerns to your girlfriend, and if she feels she can't do without gifts from her "male friends," then you should call it quits now. It's hard to compete with such attention and material goods from so many. But then, do you really want to get more deeply involved with a woman who places such little value on you and your relationship and such high value on material gains?

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